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Title: The Garotters

Author: William D. Howells

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Contents:

Preface
I. THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS
II. A MEDITATION UPON A BROOMSTICK.
III. PREDICTIONS FOR THE YEAR 1708.
IV. THE ACCOMPLISHMENT OF THE FIRST OF MR. BICKERSTAFF'S
PREDICTIONS.
V. BAUCIS AND PHILEMON.
VI. THE LOGICIANS REFUTED.
VII. THE PUPPET SHOW.
VIII. CADENUS AND VANESSA.
IX. STELLA'S BIRTHDAYS
X. TO STELLA
XI. THE FIRST HE WROTE OCT. 17, 1727.
XII. THE SECOND PRAYER WAS WRITTEN NOV. 6, 1727.
XIII. THE BEASTS' CONFESSION (1732).
XIV. ABOLISHING CHRISTIANITY
XV. HINTS TOWARDS AN ESSAY ON CONVERSATION.
XVI. THOUGHTS ON VARIOUS SUBJECTS.


THE PREFACE OF THE AUTHOR.

SATIRE is a sort of glass wherein beholders do generally discover everybody's face but their own;
which is the chief reason
for that kind reception it meets
with in the world,
and that so very few are offended
with it.

But,
if it should happen otherwise,
the danger is not great;
and I have learned from long experience never
to apprehend mischief from those understandings I have been able
to provoke:

for anger and fury,
though they add strength
to the sinews of the body,
yet are found
to relax those of the mind,
and
to render all its efforts feeble and impotent.

There is a brain that will endure but one scumming;
let the owner gather it
with discretion,
and manage his little stock
with husbandry;
but,
of all things,
let him beware of bringing it under the lash of his betters,
because that will make it all bubble up into impertinence,
and he will find no new supply.

Wit without knowledge being a sort of cream,
which gathers in a night
to the top,
and by a skilful hand may be soon whipped into froth;
but once scummed away,
what appears underneath will be fit
for nothing but
to be thrown
to the hogs.

CHAPTER I - A FULL AND TRUE ACCOUNT OF THE BATTLE FOUGHT LAST FRIDAY BETWEEN THE ANCIENT AND THE MODERN BOOKS IN SAINT JAMES'S LIBRARY.

WHOEVER examines,
with due circumspection,
into the annual records of time,
will find it remarked that War is the child of Pride,
and Pride the daughter of Riches:- the former of which assertions may be soon granted,
but one cannot so easily subscribe
to the latter;
for Pride is nearly related
to Beggary and Want,
either by father or mother,
and sometimes by both:

and,
to speak naturally,
it very seldom happens among men
to fall out when all have enough;
invasions usually travelling from north
to south,
that is
to say,
from poverty
to plenty.

The most ancient and natural grounds of quarrels are lust and avarice;
which,
though we may allow
to be brethren,
or collateral branches of pride,
are certainly the issues of want.

For,
to speak in the phrase of writers upon politics,
we may observe in the republic of dogs,
which in its original seems
to be an institution of the many,
that the whole state is ever in the profoundest peace after a full meal;
and that civil broils arise among them when it happens
for one great bone
to be seized on by some leading dog,
who either divides it among the few,
and then it falls
to an oligarchy,
or keeps it
to himself,
and then it runs up
to a tyranny.

The same reasoning also holds place among them in those dissensions we behold upon a turgescency in any of their females.

For the right of possession lying in common
(it being impossible
to establish a property in so delicate a case),
jealousies and suspicions do so abound,
that the whole commonwealth of that street is reduced
to a manifest state of war,
of every citizen against every citizen,
till some one of more courage,
conduct,
or fortune than the rest seizes and enjoys the prize:

upon which naturally arises plenty of heart-burning,
and envy,
and snarling against the happy dog.

Again,
if we look upon any of these republics engaged in a foreign war,
either of invasion or defence,
we shall find the same reasoning will serve as
to the grounds and occasions of each;
and that poverty or want,
in some degree or other
(whether real or in opinion,
which makes no alteration in the case),
has a great share,
as well as pride,
on the part of the aggressor.

Now whoever will please
to take this scheme,
and either reduce or adapt it
to an intellectual state or commonwealth of learning,
will soon discover the first ground of disagreement between the two great parties at this time in arms,
and may form just conclusions upon the merits of either cause.

But the issue or events of this war are not so easy
to conjecture at;
for the present quarrel is so inflamed by the warm heads of either faction,
and the pretensions somewhere or other so exorbitant,
as not
to admit the least overtures of accommodation.

This quarrel first began,
as I have heard it affirmed by an old dweller in the neighbourhood,
about a small spot of ground,
lying and being upon one of the two tops of the hill Parnassus;
the highest and largest of which had,
it seems,
been time out of mind in quiet possession of certain tenants,
called the Ancients;
and the other was held by the Moderns.

But these disliking their present station,
sent certain ambassadors
to the Ancients,
complaining of a great nuisance;
how the height of that part of Parnassus quite spoiled the prospect of theirs,
especially towards the east;
and therefore,
to avoid a war,
offered them the choice of this alternative,
either that the Ancients would please
to remove themselves and their effects down
to the lower summit,
which the Moderns would graciously surrender
to them,
and advance into their place;
or else the said Ancients will give leave
to the Moderns
to come
with shovels and mattocks,
and level the said hill as low as they shall think it convenient.

To which the Ancients made answer,
how little they expected such a message as this from a colony whom they had admitted,
out of their own free grace,
to so near a neighbourhood.

That,
as
to their own seat,
they were aborigines of it,
and therefore
to talk
with them of a removal or surrender was a language they did not understand.

That if the height of the hill on their side shortened the prospect of the Moderns,
it was a disadvantage they could not help;
but desired them
to consider whether that injury
(if it be any)
were not largely recompensed by the shade and shelter it afforded them.

That as
to the levelling or digging down,
it was either folly or ignorance
to propose it if they did or did not know how that side of the hill was an entire rock,
which would break their tools and hearts,
without any damage
to itself.

That they would therefore advise the Moderns rather
to raise their own side of the hill than dream of pulling down that of the Ancients;
to the former of which they would not only give licence,
but also largely contribute.

All this was rejected by the Moderns
with much indignation,
who still insisted upon one of the two expedients;
and so this difference broke out into a long and obstinate war,
maintained on the one part by resolution,
and by the courage of certain leaders and allies;
but,
on the other,
by the greatness of their number,
upon all defeats affording continual recruits.

In this quarrel whole rivulets of ink have been exhausted,
and the virulence of both parties enormously augmented.

Now,
it must be here understood,
that ink is the great missive weapon in all battles of the learned,
which,
conveyed through a sort of engine called a quill,
infinite numbers of these are darted at the enemy by the valiant on each side,
with equal skill and violence,
as if it were an engagement of porcupines.

This malignant liquor was compounded,
by the engineer who invented it,
of two ingredients,
which are,
gall and copperas;
by its bitterness and venom
to suit,
in some degree,
as well as
to foment,
the genius of the combatants.

And as the Grecians,
after an engagement,
when they could not agree about the victory,
were wont
to set up trophies on both sides,
the beaten party being content
to be at the same expense,
to keep itself in countenance
(a laudable and ancient custom,
happily revived of late in the art of war),
so the learned,
after a sharp and bloody dispute,
do,
on both sides,
hang out their trophies too,
whichever comes by the worst.

These trophies have largely inscribed on them the merits of the cause;
a full impartial account of such a Battle,
and how the victory fell clearly
to the party that set them up.

They are known
to the world under several names;
as disputes,
arguments,
rejoinders,
brief considerations,
answers,
replies,
remarks,
reflections,
objections,
confutations.

For a very few days they are fixed up all in public places,
either by themselves or their representatives,
for passengers
to gaze at;
whence the chiefest and largest are removed
to certain magazines they call libraries,
there
to remain in a quarter purposely assigned them,
and thenceforth begin
to be called books of controversy.

In these books is wonderfully instilled and preserved the spirit of each warrior while he is alive;
and after his death his soul transmigrates thither
to inform them.

This,
at least,
is the more common opinion;
but I believe it is
with libraries as
with other cemeteries,
where some philosophers affirm that a certain spirit,
which they call BRUTUM HOMINIS,
hovers over the monument,
till the body is corrupted and turns
to dust or
to worms,
but then vanishes or dissolves;
so,
we may say,
a restless spirit haunts over every book,
till dust or worms have seized upon it - which
to some may happen in a few days,
but
to others later - and therefore,
books of controversy being,
of all others,
haunted by the most disorderly spirits,
have always been confined in a separate lodge from the rest,
and
for fear of a mutual violence against each other,
it was thought prudent by our ancestors
to bind them
to the peace
with strong iron chains.

Of which invention the original occasion was this:

When the works of Scotus first came out,
they were carried
to a certain library,
and had lodgings appointed them;
but this author was no sooner settled than he went
to visit his master Aristotle,
and there both concerted together
to seize Plato by main force,
and turn him out from his ancient station among the divines,
where he had peaceably dwelt near eight hundred years.

The attempt succeeded,
and the two usurpers have reigned ever since in his stead;
but,
to maintain quiet
for the future,
it was decreed that all polemics of the larger size should be hold fast
with a chain.

By this expedient,
the public peace of libraries might certainly have been preserved if a new species of controversial books had not arisen of late years,
instinct
with a more malignant spirit,
from the war above mentioned between the learned about the higher summit of Parnassus.

When these books were first admitted into the public libraries,
I remember
to have said,
upon occasion,
to several persons concerned,
how I was sure they would create broils wherever they came,
unless a world of care were taken;
and therefore I advised that the champions of each side should be coupled together,
or otherwise mixed,
that,
like the blending of contrary poisons,
their malignity might be employed among themselves.

And it seems I was neither an ill prophet nor an ill counsellor;
for it was nothing else but the neglect of this caution which gave occasion
to the terrible fight that happened on Friday last between the Ancient and Modern Books in the King's library.

Now,
because the talk of this battle is so fresh in everybody's mouth,
and the expectation of the town so great
to be informed in the particulars,
I,
being possessed of all qualifications requisite in an historian,
and retained by neither party,
have resolved
to comply
with the urgent importunity of my friends,
by writing down a full impartial account thereof.

The guardian of the regal library,
a person of great valour,
but chiefly renowned
for his humanity,
had been a fierce champion
for the Moderns,
and,
in an engagement upon Parnassus,
had vowed
with his own hands
to knock down two of the ancient chiefs who guarded a small pass on the superior rock,
but,
endeavouring
to climb up,
was cruelly obstructed by his own unhappy weight and tendency towards his centre,
a quality
to which those of the Modern party are extremely subject;
for,
being light-headed,
they have,
in speculation,
a wonderful agility,
and conceive nothing too high
for them
to mount,
but,
in reducing
to practice,
discover a mighty pressure about their posteriors and their heels.

Having thus failed in his design,
the disappointed champion bore a cruel rancour
to the Ancients,
which he resolved
to gratify by showing all marks of his favour
to the books of their adversaries,
and lodging them in the fairest apartments;
when,
at the same time,
whatever book had the boldness
to own itself
for an advocate of the Ancients was buried alive in some obscure corner,
and threatened,
upon the least displeasure,
to be turned out of doors.

Besides,
it so happened that about this time there was a strange confusion of place among all the books in the library,
for which several reasons were assigned.

Some imputed it
to a great heap of learned dust,
which a perverse wind blew off from a shelf of Moderns into the keeper's eyes.

Others affirmed he had a humour
to pick the worms out of the schoolmen,
and swallow them fresh and fasting,
whereof some fell upon his spleen,
and some climbed up into his head,
to the great perturbation of both.

And lastly,
others maintained that,
by walking much in the dark about the library,
he had quite lost the situation of it out of his head;
and therefore,
in replacing his books,
he was apt
to mistake and clap Descartes next
to Aristotle,
poor Plato had got between Hobbes and the Seven Wise Masters,
and Virgil was hemmed in
with Dryden on one side and Wither on the other.

Meanwhile,
those books that were advocates
for the Moderns,
chose out one from among them
to make a progress through the whole library,
examine the number and strength of their party,
and concert their affairs.

This messenger performed all things very industriously,
and brought back
with him a list of their forces,
in all,
fifty thousand,
consisting chiefly of light-horse,
heavy-armed foot,
and mercenaries;
whereof the foot were in general but sorrily armed and worse clad;
their horses large,
but extremely out of case and heart;
however,
some few,
by trading among the Ancients,
had furnished themselves tolerably enough.

While things were in this ferment,
discord grew extremely high;
hot words passed on both sides,
and ill blood was plentifully bred.

Here a solitary Ancient,
squeezed up among a whole shelf of Moderns,
offered fairly
to dispute the case,
and
to prove by manifest reason that the priority was due
to them from long possession,
and in regard of their prudence,
antiquity,
and,
above all,
their great merits toward the Moderns.

But these denied the premises,
and seemed very much
to wonder how the Ancients could pretend
to insist upon their antiquity,
when it was so plain
(if they went
to that)
that the Moderns were much the more ancient of the two.

As
for any obligations they owed
to the Ancients,
they renounced them all.

"It is true,"
said they,
"we are informed some few of our party have been so mean as
to borrow their subsistence from you,
but the rest,
infinitely the greater number
(and especially we French and English),
were so far from stooping
to so base an example,
that there never passed,
till this very hour,
six words between us.

For our horses were of our own breeding,
our arms of our own forging,
and our clothes of our own cutting out and sewing."

Plato was by chance up on the next shelf,
and observing those that spoke
to be in the ragged plight mentioned a while ago,
their jades lean and foundered,
their weapons of rotten wood,
their armour rusty,
and nothing but rags underneath,
he laughed loud,
and in his pleasant way swore,
by -,
he believed them.

Now,
the Moderns had not proceeded in their late negotiation
with secrecy enough
to escape the notice of the enemy.

For those advocates who had begun the quarrel,
by setting first on foot the dispute of precedency,
talked so loud of coming
to a battle,
that Sir William Temple happened
to overhear them,
and gave immediate intelligence
to the Ancients,
who thereupon drew up their scattered troops together,
resolving
to act upon the defensive;
upon which,
several of the Moderns fled over
to their party,
and among the rest Temple himself.

This Temple,
having been educated and long conversed among the Ancients,
was,
of all the Moderns,
their greatest favourite,
and became their greatest champion.

Things were at this crisis when a material accident fell out.

For upon the highest corner of a large window,
there dwelt a certain spider,
swollen up
to the first magnitude by the destruction of infinite numbers of flies,
whose spoils lay scattered before the gates of his palace,
like human bones before the cave of some giant.

The avenues
to his castle were guarded
with turnpikes and palisadoes,
all after the modern way of fortification.

After you had passed several courts you came
to the centre,
wherein you might behold the constable himself in his own lodgings,
which had windows fronting
to each avenue,
and ports
to sally out upon all occasions of prey or defence.

In this mansion he had
for some time dwelt in peace and plenty,
without danger
to his person by swallows from above,
or
to his palace by brooms from below;
when it was the pleasure of fortune
to conduct thither a wandering bee,
to whose curiosity a broken pane in the glass had discovered itself,
and in he went,
where,
expatiating a while,
he at last happened
to alight upon one of the outward walls of the spider's citadel;
which,
yielding
to the unequal weight,
sunk down
to the very foundation.

Thrice he endeavoured
to force his passage,
and thrice the centre shook.

The spider within,
feeling the terrible convulsion,
supposed at first that nature was approaching
to her final dissolution,
or else that Beelzebub,
with all his legions,
was come
to revenge the death of many thousands of his subjects whom his enemy had slain and devoured.

However,
he at length valiantly resolved
to issue forth and meet his fate.

Meanwhile the bee had acquitted himself of his toils,
and,
posted securely at some distance,
was employed in cleansing his wings,
and disengaging them from the ragged remnants of the cobweb.

By this time the spider was adventured out,
when,
beholding the chasms,
the ruins,
and dilapidations of his fortress,
he was very near at his wit's end;
he stormed and swore like a madman,
and swelled till he was ready
to burst.

At length,
casting his eye upon the bee,
and wisely gathering causes from events
(for they know each other by sight),
"A plague split you,"
said he;
"is it you,
with a vengeance,
that have made this litter here;
could not you look before you,
and be d-d?

Do you think I have nothing else
to do
(in the devil's name)
but
to mend and repair after you?"
"Good words,
friend,"
said the bee,
having now pruned himself,
and being disposed
to droll;
"I'll give you my hand and word
to come near your kennel no more;
I was never in such a confounded pickle since I was born."

"Sirrah,"
replied the spider,
"if it were not
for breaking an old custom in our family,
never
to stir abroad against an enemy,
I should come and teach you better manners."

"I pray have patience,"
said the bee,
"or you'll spend your substance,
and,
for aught I see,
you may stand in need of it all,
towards the repair of your house."

"Rogue,
rogue,"
replied the spider,
"yet methinks you should have more respect
to a person whom all the world allows
to be so much your betters."

"By my troth,"
said the bee,
"the comparison will amount
to a very good jest,
and you will do me a favour
to let me know the reasons that all the world is pleased
to use in so hopeful a dispute."

At this the spider,
having swelled himself into the size and posture of a disputant,
began his argument in the true spirit of controversy,
with resolution
to be heartily scurrilous and angry,
to urge on his own reasons without the least regard
to the answers or objections of his opposite,
and fully predetermined in his mind against all conviction.

"Not
to disparage myself,"
said he,
"by the comparison
with such a rascal,
what art thou but a vagabond without house or home,
without stock or inheritance?

born
to no possession of your own,
but a pair of wings and a drone-pipe.

Your livelihood is a universal plunder upon nature;
a freebooter over fields and gardens;
and,
for the sake of stealing,
will rob a nettle as easily as a violet.

Whereas I am a domestic animal,
furnished
with a native stock within myself.

This large castle
(to show my improvements in the mathematics)
is all built
with my own hands,
and the materials extracted altogether out of my own person."

"I am glad,"
answered the bee,
"to hear you grant at least that I am come honestly by my wings and my voice;
for then,
it seems,
I am obliged
to Heaven alone
for my flights and my music;
and Providence would never have bestowed on me two such gifts without designing them
for the noblest ends.

I visit,
indeed,
all the flowers and blossoms of the field and garden,
but whatever I collect thence enriches myself without the least injury
to their beauty,
their smell,
or their taste.

Now,
for you and your skill in architecture and other mathematics,
I have little
to say:

in that building of yours there might,
for aught I know,
have been labour and method enough;
but,
by woeful experience
for us both,
it is too plain the materials are naught;
and I hope you will henceforth take warning,
and consider duration and matter,
as well as method and art.

You boast,
indeed,
of being obliged
to no other creature,
but of drawing and spinning out all from yourself;
that is
to say,
if we may judge of the liquor in the vessel by what issues out,
you possess a good plentiful store of dirt and poison in your breast;
and,
though I would by no means lesson or disparage your genuine stock of either,
yet I doubt you are somewhat obliged,
for an increase of both,
to a little foreign assistance.

Your inherent portion of dirt does not fall of acquisitions,
by sweepings exhaled from below;
and one insect furnishes you
with a share of poison
to destroy another.

So that,
in short,
the question comes all
to this:

whether is the nobler being of the two,
that which,
by a lazy contemplation of four inches round,
by an overweening pride,
feeding,
and engendering on itself,
turns all into excrement and venom,
producing nothing at all but flybane and a cobweb;
or that which,
by a universal range,
with long search,
much study,
true judgment,
and distinction of things,
brings home honey and wax."

This dispute was managed
with such eagerness,
clamour,
and warmth,
that the two parties of books,
in arms below,
stood silent a while,
waiting in suspense what would be the issue;
which was not long undetermined:

for the bee,
grown impatient at so much loss of time,
fled straight away
to a bed of roses,
without looking
for a reply,
and left the spider,
like an orator,
collected in himself,
and just prepared
to burst out.

It happened upon this emergency that AEsop broke silence first.

He had been of late most barbarously treated by a strange effect of the regent's humanity,
who had torn off his title-page,
sorely defaced one half of his leaves,
and chained him fast among a shelf of Moderns.

Where,
soon discovering how high the quarrel was likely
to proceed,
he tried all his arts,
and turned himself
to a thousand forMs. At length,
in the borrowed shape of an ass,
the regent mistook him
for a Modern;
by which means he had time and opportunity
to escape
to the Ancients,
just when the spider and the bee were entering into their contest;
to which he gave his attention
with a world of pleasure,
and,
when it was ended,
swore in the loudest key that in all his life he had never known two cases,
so parallel and adapt
to each other as that in the window and this upon the shelves.

"The disputants,"
said he,
"have admirably managed the dispute between them,
have taken in the full strength of all that is
to be said on both sides,
and exhausted the substance of every argument PRO and CON.

It is but
to adjust the reasonings of both
to the present quarrel,
then
to compare and apply the labours and fruits of each,
as the bee has learnedly deduced them,
and we shall find the conclusion fall plain and close upon the Moderns and us.

For pray,
gentlemen,
was ever anything so modern as the spider in his air,
his turns,
and his paradoxes?

he argues in the behalf of you,
his brethren,
and himself,
with many boastings of his native stock and great genius;
that he spins and spits wholly from himself,
and scorns
to own any obligation or assistance from without.

Then he displays
to you his great skill in architecture and improvement in the mathematics.

To all this the bee,
as an advocate retained by us,
the Ancients,
thinks fit
to answer,
that,
if one may judge of the great genius or inventions of the Moderns by what they have produced,
you will hardly have countenance
to bear you out in boasting of either.

Erect your schemes
with as much method and skill as you please;
yet,
if the materials be nothing but dirt,
spun out of your own entrails
(the guts of modern brains),
the edifice will conclude at last in a cobweb;
the duration of which,
like that of other spiders'
webs,
may be imputed
to their being forgotten,
or neglected,
or hid in a corner.

For anything else of genuine that the Moderns may pretend to,
I cannot recollect;
unless it be a large vein of wrangling and satire,
much of a nature and substance
with the spiders'
poison;
which,
however they pretend
to spit wholly out of themselves,
is improved by the same arts,
by feeding upon the insects and vermin of the age.

As
for us,
the Ancients,
we are content
with the bee,
to pretend
to nothing of our own beyond our wings and our voice:

that is
to say,
our flights and our language.

For the rest,
whatever we have got has been by infinite labour and search,
and ranging through every corner of nature;
the difference is,
that,
instead of dirt and poison,
we have rather chosen
to till our hives
with honey and wax;
thus furnishing mankind
with the two noblest of things,
which are sweetness and light."

It is wonderful
to conceive the tumult arisen among the books upon the close of this long descant of AEsop:

both parties took the hint,
and heightened their animosities so on a sudden,
that they resolved it should come
to a battle.

Immediately the two main bodies withdrew,
under their several ensigns,
to the farther parts of the library,
and there entered into cabals and consults upon the present emergency.

The Moderns were in very warm debates upon the choice of their leaders;
and nothing less than the fear impending from their enemies could have kept them from mutinies upon this occasion.

The difference was greatest among the horse,
where every private trooper pretended
to the chief command,
from Tasso and Milton
to Dryden and Wither.

The light-horse were commanded by Cowley and Despreaux.

There came the bowmen under their valiant leaders,
Descartes,
Gassendi,
and Hobbes;
whose strength was such that they could shoot their arrows beyond the atmosphere,
never
to fall down again,
but turn,
like that of Evander,
into meteors;
or,
like the cannon-ball,
into stars.

Paracelsus brought a squadron of stinkpot-flingers from the snowy mountains of Rhaetia.

There came a vast body of dragoons,
of different nations,
under the leading of Harvey,
their great aga:

part armed
with scythes,
the weapons of death;
part
with lances and long knives,
all steeped in poison;
part shot bullets of a most malignant nature,
and used white powder,
which infallibly killed without report.

There came several bodies of heavy-armed foot,
all mercenaries,
under the ensigns of Guicciardini,
Davila,
Polydore Vergil,
Buchanan,
Mariana,
Camden,
and others.

The engineers were commanded by Regiomontanus and Wilkins.

The rest was a confused multitude,
led by Scotus,
Aquinas,
and Bellarmine;
of mighty bulk and stature,
but without either arms,
courage,
or discipline.

In the last place came infinite swarms of calones,
a disorderly rout led by L'Estrange;
rogues and ragamuffins,
that follow the camp
for nothing but the plunder,
all without coats
to cover them.

The army of the Ancients was much fewer in number;
Homer led the horse,
and Pindar the light-horse;
Euclid was chief engineer;
Plato and Aristotle commanded the bowmen;
Herodotus and Livy the foot;
Hippocrates,
the dragoons;
the allies,
led by Vossius and Temple,
brought up the rear.

All things violently tending
to a decisive battle,
Fame,
who much frequented,
and had a large apartment formerly assigned her in the regal library,
fled up straight
to Jupiter,
to whom she delivered a faithful account of all that passed between the two parties below;
for among the gods she always tells truth.

Jove,
in great concern,
convokes a council in the Milky Way.

The senate assembled,
he declares the occasion of convening them;
a bloody battle just impendent between two mighty armies of ancient and modern creatures,
called books,
wherein the celestial interest was but too deeply concerned.

Momus,
the patron of the Moderns,
made an excellent speech in their favour,
which was answered by Pallas,
the protectress of the Ancients.

The assembly was divided in their affections;
when Jupiter commanded the Book of Fate
to be laid before him.

Immediately were brought by Mercury three large volumes in folio,
containing memoirs of all things past,
present,
and
to come.

The clasps were of silver double gilt,
the covers of celestial turkey leather,
and the paper such as here on earth might pass almost
for vellum.

Jupiter,
having silently read the decree,
would communicate the import
to none,
but presently shut up the book.

Without the doors of this assembly there attended a vast number of light,
nimble gods,
menial servants
to Jupiter:

those are his ministering instruments in all affairs below.

They travel in a caravan,
more or less together,
and are fastened
to each other like a link of galley-slaves,
by a light chain,
which passes from them
to Jupiter's great toe:

and yet,
in receiving or delivering a message,
they may never approach above the lowest step of his throne,
where he and they whisper
to each other through a large hollow trunk.

These deities are called by mortal men accidents or events;
but the gods call them second causes.

Jupiter having delivered his message
to a certain number of these divinities,
they flew immediately down
to the pinnacle of the regal library,
and consulting a few minutes,
entered unseen,
and disposed the parties according
to their orders.

Meanwhile Momus,
fearing the worst,
and calling
to mind an ancient prophecy which bore no very good face
to his children the Moderns,
bent his flight
to the region of a malignant deity called Criticism.

She dwelt on the top of a snowy mountain in Nova Zembla;
there Momus found her extended in her den,
upon the spoils of numberless volumes,
half devoured.

At her right hand sat Ignorance,
her father and husband,
blind
with age;
at her left,
Pride,
her mother,
dressing her up in the scraps of paper herself had torn.

There was Opinion,
her sister,
light of foot,
hood- winked,
and head-strong,
yet giddy and perpetually turning.

About her played her children,
Noise and Impudence,
Dulness and Vanity,
Positiveness,
Pedantry,
and Ill-manners.

The goddess herself had claws like a cat;
her head,
and ears,
and voice resembled those of an ass;
her teeth fallen out before,
her eyes turned inward,
as if she looked only upon herself;
her diet was the overflowing of her own gall;
her spleen was so large as
to stand prominent,
like a dug of the first rate;
nor wanted excrescences in form of teats,
at which a crew of ugly monsters were greedily sucking;
and,
what is wonderful
to conceive,
the bulk of spleen increased faster than the sucking could diminish it.

"Goddess,"
said Momus,
"can you sit idly here while our devout worshippers,
the Moderns,
are this minute entering into a cruel battle,
and perhaps now lying under the swords of their enemies?

who then hereafter will ever sacrifice or build altars
to our divinities?

Haste,
therefore,
to the British Isle,
and,
if possible,
prevent their destruction;
while I make factions among the gods,
and gain them over
to our party."

Momus,
having thus delivered himself,
stayed not
for an answer,
but left the goddess
to her own resentment.

Up she rose in a rage,
and,
as it is the form on such occasions,
began a soliloquy:

"It is I"
(said she)
"who give wisdom
to infants and idiots;
by me children grow wiser than their parents,
by me beaux become politicians,
and schoolboys judges of philosophy;
by me sophisters debate and conclude upon the depths of knowledge;
and coffee-house wits,
instinct by me,
can correct an author's style,
and display his minutest errors,
without understanding a syllable of his matter or his language;
by me striplings spend their judgment,
as they do their estate,
before it comes into their hands.

It is I who have deposed wit and knowledge from their empire over poetry,
and advanced myself in their stead.

And shall a few upstart Ancients dare
to oppose me?

But come,
my aged parent,
and you,
my children dear,
and thou,
my beauteous sister;
let us ascend my chariot,
and haste
to assist our devout Moderns,
who are now sacrificing
to us a hecatomb,
as I perceive by that grateful smell which from thence reaches my nostrils."

The goddess and her train,
having mounted the chariot,
which was drawn by tame geese,
flew over infinite regions,
shedding her influence in due places,
till at length she arrived at her beloved island of Britain;
but in hovering over its metropolis,
what blessings did she not let fall upon her seminaries of Gresham and Covent-garden! And now she reached the fatal plain of St. James's library,
at what time the two armies were upon the point
to engage;
where,
entering
with all her caravan unseen,
and landing upon a case of shelves,
now desert,
but once inhabited by a colony of virtuosos,
she stayed awhile
to observe the posture of both armies.

But here the tender cares of a mother began
to fill her thoughts and move in her breast:

for at the head of a troup of Modern bowmen she cast her eyes upon her son Wotton,
to whom the fates had assigned a very short thread.

Wotton,
a young hero,
whom an unknown father of mortal race begot by stolen embraces
with this goddess.

He was the darling of his mother above all her children,
and she resolved
to go and comfort him.

But first,
according
to the good old custom of deities,
she cast about
to change her shape,
for fear the divinity of her countenance might dazzle his mortal sight and overcharge the rest of his senses.

She therefore gathered up her person into an octavo compass:

her body grow white and arid,
and split in pieces
with dryness;
the thick turned into pasteboard,
and the thin into paper;
upon which her parents and children artfully strewed a black juice,
or decoction of gall and soot,
in form of letters:

her head,
and voice,
and spleen,
kept their primitive form;
and that which before was a cover of skin did still continue so.

In this guise she marched on towards the Moderns,
indistinguishable in shape and dress from the divine Bentley,
Wotton's dearest friend.

"Brave Wotton,"
said the goddess,
"why do our troops stand idle here,
to spend their present vigour and opportunity of the day?

away,
let us haste
to the generals,
and advise
to give the onset immediately."

Having spoke thus,
she took the ugliest of her monsters,
full glutted from her spleen,
and flung it invisibly into his mouth,
which,
flying straight up into his head,
squeezed out his eye-balls,
gave him a distorted look,
and half-overturned his brain.

Then she privately ordered two of her beloved children,
Dulness and Ill-manners,
closely
to attend his person in all encounters.

Having thus accoutred him,
she vanished in a mist,
and the hero perceived it was the goddess his mother.

The destined hour of fate being now arrived,
the fight began;
whereof,
before I dare adventure
to make a particular description,
I must,
after the example of other authors,
petition
for a hundred tongues,
and mouths,
and hands,
and pens,
which would all be too little
to perform so immense a work.

Say,
goddess,
that presidest over history,
who it was that first advanced in the field of battle! Paracelsus,
at the head of his dragoons,
observing Galen in the adverse wing,
darted his javelin
with a mighty force,
which the brave Ancient received upon his shield,
the point breaking in the second fold .

.

.

HIC PAUCA .

.

.

.

DESUNT They bore the wounded aga on their shields
to his chariot .

.

.

DESUNT .

.

.

NONNULLA.

.

.

.

Then Aristotle,
observing Bacon advance
with a furious mien,
drew his bow
to the head,
and let fly his arrow,
which missed the valiant Modern and went whizzing over his head;
but Descartes it hit;
the steel point quickly found a defect in his head-piece;
it pierced the leather and the pasteboard,
and went in at his right eye.

The torture of the pain whirled the valiant bow-man round till death,
like a star of superior influence,
drew him into his own vortex INGENS HIATUS .

.

.

.

HIC IN MS. .

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

when Homer appeared at the head of the cavalry,
mounted on a furious horse,
with difficulty managed by the rider himself,
but which no other mortal durst approach;
he rode among the enemy's ranks,
and bore down all before him.

Say,
goddess,
whom he slew first and whom he slew last! First,
Gondibert advanced against him,
clad in heavy armour and mounted on a staid sober gelding,
not so famed
for his speed as his docility in kneeling whenever his rider would mount or alight.

He had made a vow
to Pallas that he would never leave the field till he had spoiled Homer of his armour:

madman,
who had never once seen the wearer,
nor understood his strength! Him Homer overthrew,
horse and man,
to the ground,
there
to be trampled and choked in the dirt.

Then
with a long spear he slew Denham,
a stout Modern,
who from his father's side derived his lineage from Apollo,
but his mother was of mortal race.

He fell,
and bit the earth.

The celestial part Apollo took,
and made it a star;
but the terrestrial lay wallowing upon the ground.

Then Homer slew Sam Wesley
with a kick of his horse's heel;
he took Perrault by mighty force out of his saddle,
then hurled him at Fontenelle,
with the same blow dashing out both their brains.

On the left wing of the horse Virgil appeared,
in shining armour,
completely fitted
to his body;
he was mounted on a dapple-grey steed,
the slowness of whose pace was an effect of the highest mettle and vigour.

He cast his eye on the adverse wing,
with a desire
to find an object worthy of his valour,
when behold upon a sorrel gelding of a monstrous size appeared a foe,
issuing from among the thickest of the enemy's squadrons;
but his speed was less than his noise;
for his horse,
old and lean,
spent the dregs of his strength in a high trot,
which,
though it made slow advances,
yet caused a loud clashing of his armour,
terrible
to hear.

The two cavaliers had now approached within the throw of a lance,
when the stranger desired a parley,
and,
lifting up the visor of his helmet,
a face hardly appeared from within which,
after a pause,
was known
for that of the renowned Dryden.

The brave Ancient suddenly started,
as one possessed
with surprise and disappointment together;
for the helmet was nine times too large
for the head,
which appeared situate far in the hinder part,
even like the lady in a lobster,
or like a mouse under a canopy of state,
or like a shrivelled beau from within the penthouse of a modern periwig;
and the voice was suited
to the visage,
sounding weak and remote.

Dryden,
in a long harangue,
soothed up the good Ancient;
called him father,
and,
by a large deduction of genealogies,
made it plainly appear that they were nearly related.

Then he humbly proposed an exchange of armour,
as a lasting mark of hospitality between them.

Virgil consented
(for the goddess Diffidence came unseen,
and cast a mist before his eyes),
though his was of gold and cost a hundred beeves,
the other's but of rusty iron.

However,
this glittering armour became the Modern yet worsen than his own.

Then they agreed
to exchange horses;
but,
when it came
to the trial,
Dryden was afraid and utterly unable
to mount.

.

.

ALTER HIATUS .

.

.

.

IN MS. Lucan appeared upon a fiery horse of admirable shape,
but headstrong,
bearing the rider where he list over the field;
he made a mighty slaughter among the enemy's horse;
which destruction
to stop,
Blackmore,
a famous Modern
(but one of the mercenaries),
strenuously opposed himself,
and darted his javelin
with a strong hand,
which,
falling short of its mark,
struck deep in the earth.

Then Lucan threw a lance;
but AEsculapius came unseen and turned off the point.

"Brave Modern,"
said Lucan,
"I perceive some god protects you,
for never did my arm so deceive me before:

but what mortal can contend
with a god?

Therefore,
let us fight no longer,
but present gifts
to each other."

Lucan then bestowed on the Modern a pair of spurs,
and Blackmore gave Lucan a bridle.

.

.

.

PAUCA DESUNT.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Creech:

but the goddess Dulness took a cloud,
formed into the shape of Horace,
armed and mounted,
and placed in a flying posture before him.

Glad was the cavalier
to begin a combat
with a flying foe,
and pursued the image,
threatening aloud;
till at last it led him
to the peaceful bower of his father,
Ogleby,
by whom he was disarmed and assigned
to his repose.

Then Pindar slew -,
and - and Oldham,
and -,
and Afra the Amazon,
light of foot;
never advancing in a direct line,
but wheeling
with incredible agility and force,
he made a terrible slaughter among the enemy's light-horse.

Him when Cowley observed,
his generous heart burnt within him,
and he advanced against the fierce Ancient,
imitating his address,
his pace,
and career,
as well as the vigour of his horse and his own skill would allow.

When the two cavaliers had approached within the length of three javelins,
first Cowley threw a lance,
which missed Pindar,
and,
passing into the enemy's ranks,
fell ineffectual
to the ground.

Then Pindar darted a javelin so large and weighty,
that scarce a dozen Cavaliers,
as cavaliers are in our degenerate days,
could raise it from the ground;
yet he threw it
with ease,
and it went,
by an unerring hand,
singing through the air;
nor could the Modern have avoided present death if he had not luckily opposed the shield that had been given him by Venus.

And now both heroes drew their swords;
but the Modern was so aghast and disordered that he knew not where he was;
his shield dropped from his hands;
thrice he fled,
and thrice he could not escape.

At last he turned,
and lifting up his hand in the posture of a suppliant,
"Godlike Pindar,"
said he,
"spare my life,
and possess my horse,
with these arms,
beside the ransom which my friends will give when they hear I am alive and your prisoner."

"Dog!"
said Pindar,
"let your ransom stay
with your friends;
but your carcase shall be left
for the fowls of the air and the beasts of the field."

With that he raised his sword,
and,
with a mighty stroke,
cleft the wretched Modern in twain,
the sword pursuing the blow;
and one half lay panting on the ground,
to be trod in pieces by the horses'
feet;
the other half was borne by the frighted steed through the field.

This Venus took,
washed it seven times in ambrosia,
then struck it thrice
with a sprig of amaranth;
upon which the leather grow round and soft,
and the leaves turned into feathers,
and,
being gilded before,
continued gilded still;
so it became a dove,
and she harnessed it
to her chariot.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

HIATUS VALDE DE- .

.

.

.

FLENDUS IN MS. THE EPISODE OF BENTLEY AND WOTTON.

Day being far spent,
and the numerous forces of the Moderns half inclining
to a retreat,
there issued forth,
from a squadron of their heavy-armed foot,
a captain whose name was Bentley,
the most deformed of all the Moderns;
tall,
but without shape or comeliness;
large,
but without strength or proportion.

His armour was patched up of a thousand incoherent pieces,
and the sound of it,
as he marched,
was loud and dry,
like that made by the fall of a sheet of lead,
which an Etesian wind blows suddenly down from the roof of some steeple.

His helmet was of old rusty iron,
but the vizor was brass,
which,
tainted by his breath,
corrupted into copperas,
nor wanted gall from the same fountain,
so that,
whenever provoked by anger or labour,
an atramentous quality,
of most malignant nature,
was seen
to distil from his lips.

In his right hand he grasped a flail,
and
(that he might never be unprovided of an offensive weapon)
a vessel full of ordure in his left.

Thus completely armed,
he advanced
with a slow and heavy pace where the Modern chiefs were holding a consult upon the sum of things,
who,
as he came onwards,
laughed
to behold his crooked leg and humped shoulder,
which his boot and armour,
vainly endeavouring
to hide,
were forced
to comply
with and expose.

The generals made use of him
for his talent of railing,
which,
kept within government,
proved frequently of great service
to their cause,
but,
at other times,
did more mischief than good;
for,
at the least touch of offence,
and often without any at all,
he would,
like a wounded elephant,
convert it against his leaders.

Such,
at this juncture,
was the disposition of Bentley,
grieved
to see the enemy prevail,
and dissatisfied
with everybody's conduct but his own.

He humbly gave the Modern generals
to understand that he conceived,
with great submission,
they were all a pack of rogues,
and fools,
and confounded logger-heads,
and illiterate whelps,
and nonsensical scoundrels;
that,
if himself had been constituted general,
those presumptuous dogs,
the Ancients,
would long before this have been beaten out of the field.

"You,"
said he,
"sit here idle,
but when I,
or any other valiant Modern kill an enemy,
you are sure
to seize the spoil.

But I will not march one foot against the foe till you all swear
to me that whomever I take or kill,
his arms I shall quietly possess."

Bentley having spoken thus,
Scaliger,
bestowing him a sour look,
"Miscreant prater!"
said he,
"eloquent only in thine own eyes,
thou railest without wit,
or truth,
or discretion.

The malignity of thy temper perverteth nature;
thy learning makes thee more barbarous;
thy study of humanity more inhuman;
thy converse among poets more grovelling,
miry,
and dull.

All arts of civilising others render thee rude and untractable;
courts have taught thee ill manners,
and polite conversation has finished thee a pedant.

Besides,
a greater coward burdeneth not the army.

But never despond;
I pass my word,
whatever spoil thou takest shall certainly be thy own;
though I hope that vile carcase will first become a prey
to kites and worMs. "

Bentley durst not reply,
but,
half choked
with spleen and rage,
withdrew,
in full resolution of performing some great achievement.

With him,
for his aid and companion,
he took his beloved Wotton,
resolving by policy or surprise
to attempt some neglected quarter of the Ancients'
army.

They began their march over carcases of their slaughtered friends;
then
to the right of their own forces;
then wheeled northward,
till they came
to Aldrovandus's tomb,
which they passed on the side of the declining sun.

And now they arrived,
with fear,
toward the enemy's out-guards,
looking about,
if haply they might spy the quarters of the wounded,
or some straggling sleepers,
unarmed and remote from the rest.

As when two mongrel curs,
whom native greediness and domestic want provoke and join in partnership,
though fearful,
nightly
to invade the folds of some rich grazier,
they,
with tails depressed and lolling tongues,
creep soft and slow.

Meanwhile the conscious moon,
now in her zenith,
on their guilty heads darts perpendicular rays;
nor dare they bark,
though much provoked at her refulgent visage,
whether seen in puddle by reflection or in sphere direct;
but one surveys the region round,
while the other scouts the plain,
if haply
to discover,
at distance from the flock,
some carcase half devoured,
the refuse of gorged wolves or ominous ravens.

So marched this lovely,
loving pair of friends,
nor
with less fear and circumspection,
when at a distance they might perceive two shining suits of armour hanging upon an oak,
and the owners not far off in a profound sleep.

The two friends drew lots,
and the pursuing of this adventure fell
to Bentley;
on he went,
and in his van Confusion and Amaze,
while Horror and Affright brought up the rear.

As he came near,
behold two heroes of the Ancient army,
Phalaris and AEsop,
lay fast asleep.

Bentley would fain have despatched them both,
and,
stealing close,
aimed his flail at Phalaris's breast;
but then the goddess Affright,
interposing,
caught the Modern in her icy arms,
and dragged him from the danger she foresaw;
both the dormant heroes happened
to turn at the same instant,
though soundly sleeping,
and busy in a dream.

For Phalaris was just that minute dreaming how a most vile poetaster had lampooned him,
and how he had got him roaring in his bull.

And AEsop dreamed that as he and the Ancient were lying on the ground,
a wild ass broke loose,
ran about,
trampling and kicking in their faces.

Bentley,
leaving the two heroes asleep,
seized on both their armours,
and withdrew in quest of his darling Wotton.

He,
in the meantime,
had wandered long in search of some enterprise,
till at length he arrived at a small rivulet that issued from a fountain hard by,
called,
in the language of mortal men,
Helicon.

Here he stopped,
and,
parched
with thirst,
resolved
to allay it in this limpid stream.

Thrice
with profane hands he essayed
to raise the water
to his lips,
and thrice it slipped all through his fingers.

Then he stopped prone on his breast,
but,
ere his mouth had kissed the liquid crystal,
Apollo came,
and in the channel held his shield betwixt the Modern and the fountain,
so that he drew up nothing but mud.

For,
although no fountain on earth can compare
with the clearness of Helicon,
yet there lies at bottom a thick sediment of slime and mud;
for so Apollo begged of Jupiter,
as a punishment
to those who durst attempt
to taste it
with unhallowed lips,
and
for a lesson
to all not
to draw too deep or far from the spring.

At the fountain-head Wotton discerned two heroes;
the one he could not distinguish,
but the other was soon known
for Temple,
general of the allies
to the Ancients.

His back was turned,
and he was employed in drinking large draughts in his helmet from the fountain,
where he had withdrawn himself
to rest from the toils of the war.

Wotton,
observing him,
with quaking knees and trembling hands,
spoke thus
to himself:

O that I could kill this destroyer of our army,
what renown should I purchase among the chiefs! but
to issue out against him,
man against man,
shield against shield,
and lance against lance,
what Modern of us dare?

for he fights like a god,
and Pallas or Apollo are ever at his elbow.

But,
O mother! if what Fame reports be true,
that I am the son of so great a goddess,
grant me
to hit Temple
with this lance,
that the stroke may send him
to hell,
and that I may return in safety and triumph,
laden
with his spoils.

The first part of this prayer the gods granted at the intercession of his mother and of Momus;
but the rest,
by a perverse wind sent from Fate,
was scattered in the air.

Then Wotton grasped his lance,
and,
brandishing it thrice over his head,
darted it
with all his might;
the goddess,
his mother,
at the same time adding strength
to his arm.

Away the lance went hizzing,
and reached even
to the belt of the averted Ancient,
upon which,
lightly grazing,
it fell
to the ground.

Temple neither felt the weapon touch him nor heard it fall:

and Wotton might have escaped
to his army,
with the honour of having remitted his lance against so great a leader unrevenged;
but Apollo,
enraged that a javelin flung by the assistance of so foul a goddess should pollute his fountain,
put on the shape of -,
and softly came
to young Boyle,
who then accompanied Temple:

he pointed first
to the lance,
then
to the distant Modern that flung it,
and commanded the young hero
to take immediate revenge.

Boyle,
clad in a suit of armour which had been given him by all the gods,
immediately advanced against the trembling foe,
who now fled before him.

As a young lion in the Libyan plains,
or Araby desert,
sent by his aged sire
to hunt
for prey,
or health,
or exercise,
he scours along,
wishing
to meet some tiger from the mountains,
or a furious boar;
if chance a wild ass,
with brayings importune,
affronts his ear,
the generous beast,
though loathing
to distain his claws
with blood so vile,
yet,
much provoked at the offensive noise,
which Echo,
foolish nymph,
like her ill-judging sex,
repeats much louder,
and
with more delight than Philomela's song,
he vindicates the honour of the forest,
and hunts the noisy long-eared animal.

So Wotton fled,
so Boyle pursued.

But Wotton,
heavy-armed,
and slow of foot,
began
to slack his course,
when his lover Bentley appeared,
returning laden
with the spoils of the two sleeping Ancients.

Boyle observed him well,
and soon discovering the helmet and shield of Phalaris his friend,
both which he had lately
with his own hands new polished and gilt,
rage sparkled in his eyes,
and,
leaving his pursuit after Wotton,
he furiously rushed on against this new approacher.

Fain would he be revenged on both;
but both now fled different ways:

and,
as a woman in a little house that gets a painful livelihood by spinning,
if chance her geese be scattered o'er the common,
she courses round the plain from side
to side,
compelling here and there the stragglers
to the flock;
they cackle loud,
and flutter o'er the champaign;
so Boyle pursued,
so fled this pair of friends:

finding at length their flight was vain,
they bravely joined,
and drew themselves in phalanx.

First Bentley threw a spear
with all his force,
hoping
to pierce the enemy's breast;
but Pallas came unseen,
and in the air took off the point,
and clapped on one of lead,
which,
after a dead bang against the enemy's shield,
fell blunted
to the ground.

Then Boyle,
observing well his time,
took up a lance of wondrous length and sharpness;
and,
as this pair of friends compacted,
stood close side by side,
he wheeled him
to the right,
and,
with unusual force,
darted the weapon.

Bentley saw his fate approach,
and flanking down his arms close
to his ribs,
hoping
to save his body,
in went the point,
passing through arm and side,
nor stopped or spent its force till it had also pierced the valiant Wotton,
who,
going
to sustain his dying friend,
shared his fate.

As when a skilful cook has trussed a brace of woodcocks,
he
with iron skewer pierces the tender sides of both,
their legs and wings close pinioned
to the rib;
so was this pair of friends transfixed,
till down they fell,
joined in their lives,
joined in their deaths;
so closely joined that Charon would mistake them both
for one,
and waft them over Styx
for half his fare.

Farewell,
beloved,
loving pair;
few equals have you left behind:

and happy and immortal shall you be,
if all my wit and eloquence can make you.

And now.

.

.

.

DESUNT COETERA.

CHAPTER II - A MEDITATION UPON A BROOMSTICK.

ACCORDING
to THE STYLE AND MANNER OF THE HON.

ROBERT BOYLE'S MEDITATIONS.

THIS single stick,
which you now behold ingloriously lying in that neglected corner,
I once knew in a flourishing state in a forest.

It was full of sap,
full of leaves,
and full of boughs;
but now in vain does the busy art of man pretend
to vie
with nature,
by tying that withered bundle of twigs
to its sapless trunk;
it is now at best but the reverse of what it was,
a tree turned upside-down,
the branches on the earth,
and the root in the air;
it is now handled by every dirty wench,
condemned
to do her drudgery,
and,
by a capricious kind of fate,
destined
to make other things clean,
and be nasty itself;
at length,
worn
to the stumps in the service of the maids,
it is either thrown out of doors or condemned
to the last use - of kindling a fire.

When I behold this I sighed,
and said within myself,
"Surely mortal man is a broomstick!"
Nature sent him into the world strong and lusty,
in a thriving condition,
wearing his own hair on his head,
the proper branches of this reasoning vegetable,
till the axe of intemperance has lopped off his green boughs,
and left him a withered trunk;
he then flies
to art,
and puts on a periwig,
valuing himself upon an unnatural bundle of hairs,
all covered
with powder,
that never grew on his head;
but now should this our broomstick pretend
to enter the scene,
proud of those birchen spoils it never bore,
and all covered
with dust,
through the sweepings of the finest lady's chamber,
we should be apt
to ridicule and despise its vanity.

Partial judges that we are of our own excellencies,
and other men's defaults! But a broomstick,
perhaps you will say,
is an emblem of a tree standing on its head;
and pray what is a man but a topsy-turvy creature,
his animal faculties perpetually mounted on his rational,
his head where his heels should be,
grovelling on the earth?

And yet,
with all his faults,
he sets up
to be a universal reformer and corrector of abuses,
a remover of grievances,
rakes into every slut's corner of nature,
bringing hidden corruptions
to the light,
and raises a mighty dust where there was none before,
sharing deeply all the while in the very same pollutions he pretends
to sweep away.

His last days are spent in slavery
to women,
and generally the least deserving;
till,
worn
to the stumps,
like his brother besom,
he is either kicked out of doors,
or made use of
to kindle flames
for others
to warm themselves by.

CHAPTER III - PREDICTIONS
for THE YEAR 1708.

WHEREIN THE MONTH,
AND DAY OF THE MONTH ARE SET DOWN,
THE PERSONS NAMED,
AND THE GREAT ACTIONS AND EVENTS OF NEXT YEAR PARTICULARLY RELATED AS WILL COME
to PASS.

WRITTEN
to PREVENT THE PEOPLE OF ENGLAND FROM BEING FARTHER IMPOSED ON BY VULGAR ALMANACK-MAKERS.

BY ISAAC BICKERSTAFF,
ESQ.

I HAVE long considered the gross abuse of astrology in this kingdom,
and upon debating the matter
with myself,
I could not possibly lay the fault upon the art,
but upon those gross impostors who set up
to be the artists.

I know several learned men have contended that the whole is a cheat;
that it is absurd and ridiculous
to imagine the stars can have any influence at all upon human actions,
thoughts,
or inclinations;
and whoever has not bent his studies that way may be excused
for thinking so,
when he sees in how wretched a manner that noble art is treated by a few mean illiterate traders between us and the stars,
who import a yearly stock of nonsense,
lies,
folly,
and impertinence,
which they offer
to the world as genuine from the planets,
though they descend from no greater a height than their own brains.

I intend in a short time
to publish a large and rational defence of this art,
and therefore shall say no more in its justification at present than that it hath been in all ages defended by many learned men,
and among the rest by Socrates himself,
whom I look upon as undoubtedly the wisest of uninspired mortals:

to which if we add that those who have condemned this art,
though otherwise learned,
having been such as either did not apply their studies this way,
or at least did not succeed in their applications,
their testimony will not be of much weight
to its disadvantage,
since they are liable
to the common objection of condemning what they did not understand.

Nor am I at all offended,
or think it an injury
to the art,
when I see the common dealers in it,
the students in astrology,
the Philomaths,
and the rest of that tribe,
treated by wise men
with the utmost scorn and contempt;
but rather wonder,
when I observe gentlemen in the country,
rich enough
to serve the nation in Parliament,
poring in Partridge's Almanack
to find out the events of the year at home and abroad,
not daring
to propose a hunting- match till Gadbury or he have fixed the weather.

I will allow either of the two I have mentioned,
or any other of the fraternity,
to he not only astrologers,
but conjurers too,
if I do not produce a hundred instances in all their almanacks
to convince any reasonable man that they do not so much as understand common grammar and syntax;
that they are not able
to spell any word out of the usual road,
nor even in their prefaces write common sense or intelligible English.

Then
for their observations and predictions,
they are such as will equally suit any age or country in the world.

"This month a certain great person.

will be threatened
with death or sickness."

This the newspapers will tell them;
for there we find at the end of the year that no month passes without the death of some person of note;
and it would be hard if it should be otherwise,
when there are at least two thousand persons of note in this kingdom,
many of them old,
and the almanack-maker has the liberty of choosing the sickliest season of the year where lie may fix his prediction.

Again,
"This month an eminent clergyman will be preferred;"
of which there may be some hundreds,
half of them
with one foot in the grave.

Then
"such a planet in such a house shows great machinations,
plots,
and conspiracies,
that may in time be brought
to light:"
after which,
if we hear of any discovery,
the astrologer gets the honour;
if not,
his prediction still stands good.

And at last,
"God preserve King William from all his open and secret enemies,
Amen."

When if the King should happen
to have died,
the astrologer plainly foretold it;
otherwise it passes but
for the pious ejaculation of a loyal subject;
though it unluckily happened in some of their almanacks that poor King William was prayed
for many months after he was dead,
because it fell out that he died about the beginning of the year.

To mention no more of their impertinent predictions:

what have we
to do
with their advertisements about pills and drink
for disease?

or their mutual quarrels in verse and prose of Whig and Tory,
wherewith the stars have little
to do?

Having long observed and lamented these,
and a hundred other abuses of this art,
too tedious
to repeat,
I resolved
to proceed in a new way,
which I doubt not will be
to the general satisfaction of the kingdom.

I can this year produce but a specimen of what I design
for the future,
having employed most part of my time in adjusting and correcting the calculations I made some years past,
because I would offer nothing
to the world of which I am not as fully satisfied as that I am now alive.

For these two last years I have not failed in above one or two particulars,
and those of no very great moment.

I exactly foretold the miscarriage at Toulon,
with all its particulars,
and the loss of Admiral Shovel,
though I was mistaken as
to the day,
placing that accident about thirty-six hours sooner than it happened;
but upon reviewing my schemes,
I quickly found the cause of that error.

I likewise foretold the Battle of Almanza
to the very day and hour,
with the lose on both sides,
and the consequences thereof.

All which I showed
to some friends many months before they happened - that is,
I gave them papers sealed up,
to open at such a time,
after which they were at liberty
to read them;
and there they found my predictions true in every article,
except one or two very minute.

As
for the few following predictions I now offer the world,
I forbore
to publish them till I had perused the several almanacks
for the year we are now entered on.

I find them all in the usual strain,
and I beg the reader will compare their manner
with mine.

And here I make bold
to tell the world that I lay the whole credit of my art upon the truth of these predictions;
and I will be content that Partridge,
and the rest of his clan,
may hoot me
for a cheat and impostor if I fail in any single particular of moment.

I believe any man who reads this paper will look upon me
to be at least a person of as much honesty and understanding as a common maker of almanacks.

I do not lurk in the dark;
1 am not wholly unknown in the world;
I have set my name at length,
to be a mark of infamy
to mankind,
if they shall find I deceive them.

In one thing I must desire
to be forgiven,
that I talk more sparingly of home affairs.

As it will be imprudence
to discover secrets of State,
so it would be dangerous
to my person;
but in smaller matters,
and that are not of public consequence,
I shall be very free;
and the truth of my conjectures will as much appear from those as the others.

As
for the most signal events abroad,
in France,
Flanders,
Italy,
and Spain,
I shall make no scruple
to predict them in plain terMs. Some of them are of importance,
and I hope I shall seldom mistake the day they will happen;
therefore I think good
to inform the reader that I all along make use of the Old Style observed in England,
which I desire he will compare
with that of the newspapers at the time they relate the actions I mention.

I must add one word more.

I know it hath been the opinion of several of the learned,
who think well enough of the true art of astrology,
that the stars do only incline,
and not force the actions or wills of men,
and therefore,
however I may proceed by right rules,
yet I cannot in prudence so confidently assure the events will follow exactly as I predict them.

I hope I have maturely considered this objection,
which in some cases is of no little weight.

For example:

a man may,
by the influence of an over-ruling planet,
be disposed or inclined
to lust,
rage,
or avarice,
and yet by the force of reason overcome that bad influence;
and this was the case of Socrates.

But as the great events of the world usually depend upon numbers of men,
it cannot be expected they should all unite
to cross their inclinations from pursuing a general design wherein they unanimously agree.

Besides,
the influence of the stars reaches
to many actions and events which are not any way in the power of reason,
as sickness,
death,
and what we commonly call accidents,
with many more,
needless
to repeat.

But now it is time
to proceed
to my predictions,
which I have begun
to calculate from the time that the sun enters into Aries.

And this I take
to be properly the beginning of the natural year.

I pursue them
to the time that he enters Libra,
or somewhat more,
which is the busy period of the year.

The remainder I have not yet adjusted,
upon account of several impediments needless here
to mention.

Besides,
I must remind the reader again that this is but a specimen of what I design in succeeding years
to treat more at large,
if I may have liberty and encouragement.

My first prediction is but a trifle,
yet I will mention it,
to show how ignorant those sottish pretenders
to astrology are in their own concerns.

It relates
to Partridge,
the almanack-maker.

I have consulted the stars of his nativity by my own rules,
and find he will infallibly die upon the 29th of March next,
about eleven at night,
of a raging fever;
therefore I advise him
to consider of it,
and settle his affairs in time.

The month of APRIL will be observable
for the death of many great persons.

On the 4th will die the Cardinal de Noailles,
Archbishop of Paris;
on the 11th,
the young Prince of Asturias,
son
to the Duke of Anjou;
on the 14th,
a great peer of this realm will die at his country house;
on the 19th,
an old layman of great fame
for learning,
and on the 23rd,
an eminent goldsmith in Lombard Street.

I could mention others,
both at home and abroad,
if I did not consider it is of very little use or instruction
to the reader,
or
to the world.

As
to public affairs:

On the 7th of this month there will be an insurrection in Dauphiny,
occasioned by the oppressions of the people,
which will not be quieted in some months.

On the 15th will be a violent storm on the south-east coast of France,
which will destroy many of their ships,
and some in the very harbour.

The 11th will be famous
for the revolt of a whole province or kingdom,
excepting one city,
by which the affairs of a certain prince in the Alliance will take a better face.

MAY,
against common conjectures,
will be no very busy month in Europe,
but very signal
for the death of the Dauphin,
which will happen on the 7th,
after a short fit of sickness,
and grievous torments
with the strangury.

He dies less lamented by the Court than the kingdom.

On the 9th a Marshal of France will break his leg by a fall from his horse.

I have not been able
to discover whether he will then die or not.

On the 11th will begin a most important siege,
which the eyes of all Europe will be upon:

I cannot be more particular,
for in relating affairs that so nearly concern the Confederates,
and consequently this kingdom,
I am forced
to confine myself
for several reasons very obvious
to the reader.

On the 15th news will arrive of a very surprising event,
than which nothing could be more unexpected.

On the 19th three noble ladies of this kingdom will,
against all expectation,
prove
with child,
to the great joy of their husbands.

On the 23rd a famous buffoon of the playhouse will die a ridiculous death,
suitable
to his vocation.

JUNE.

This month will be distinguished at home by the utter dispersing of those ridiculous deluded enthusiasts commonly called the Prophets,
occasioned chiefly by seeing the time come that many of their prophecies should be fulfilled,
and then finding themselves deceived by contrary events.

It is indeed
to be admired how any deceiver can be so weak
to foretell things near at hand,
when a very few months must of necessity discover the impostor
to all the world;
in this point less prudent than common almanack- makers,
who are so wise
to wonder in generals,
and talk dubiously,
and leave
to the reader the business of interpreting.

On the 1st of this month a French general will be killed by a random shot of a cannon-ball.

On the 6th a fire will break out in the suburbs of Paris,
which will destroy above a thousand houses,
and seems
to be the foreboding of what will happen,
to the surprise of all Europe,
about the end of the following month.

On the 10th a great battle will be fought,
which will begin at four of the clock in the afternoon,
and last till nine at night
with great obstinacy,
but no very decisive event.

I shall not name the place,
for the reasons aforesaid,
but the commanders on each left wing will be killed.

I see bonfires and hear the noise of guns
for a victory.

On the 14th there will be a false report of the French king's death.

On the 20th Cardinal Portocarero will die of a dysentery,
with great suspicion of poison,
but the report of his intention
to revolt
to King Charles will prove false.

JULY.

The 6th of this month a certain general will,
by a glorious action,
recover the reputation he lost by former misfortunes.

On the 12th a great commander will die a prisoner in the hands of his enemies.

On the 14th a shameful discovery will be made of a French Jesuit giving poison
to a great foreign general;
and when he is put
to the torture,
will make wonderful discoveries.

In short,
this will prove a month of great action,
if I might have liberty
to relate the particulars.

At home,
the death of an old famous senator will happen on the 15th at his country house,
worn
with age and diseases.

But that which will make this month memorable
to all posterity is the death of the French king,
Louis the Fourteenth,
after a week's sickness at Marli,
which will happen on the 29th,
about six o'clock in the evening.

It seems
to be an effect of the gout in his stomach,
followed by a flux.

And in three days after Monsieur Chamillard will follow his master,
dying suddenly of an apoplexy.

In this month likewise an ambassador will die in London,
but I cannot assign the day.

AUGUST.

The affairs of France will seem
to suffer no change
for a while under the Duke of Burgundy's administration;
but the genius that animated the whole machine being gone,
will be the cause of mighty turns and revolutions in the following year.

The new king makes yet little change either in the army or the Ministry,
but the libels against his grandfather,
that fly about his very Court,
give him uneasiness.

I see an express in mighty haste,
with joy and wonder in his looks,
arriving by break of day on the 26th of this month,
having travelled in three days a prodigious journey by land and sea.

In the evening I hear bells and guns,
and see the blazing of a thousand bonfires.

A young admiral of noble birth does likewise this month gain immortal honour by a great achievement.

The affairs of Poland are this month entirely settled;
Augustus resigns his pretensions which he had again taken up
for some time:

Stanislaus is peaceably possessed of the throne,
and the King of Sweden declares
for the emperor.

I cannot omit one particular accident here at home:

that near the end of this month much mischief will be done at Bartholomew Fair by the fall of a booth.

SEPTEMBER.

This month begins
with a very surprising fit of frosty weather,
which will last near twelve days.

The Pope,
having long languished last month,
the swellings in his legs breaking,
and the flesh mortifying,
will die on the 11th instant;
and in three weeks'
time,
after a mighty contest,
be succeeded by a cardinal of the Imperial faction,
but native of Tuscany,
who is now about sixty-one years old.

The French army acts now wholly on the defensive,
strongly fortified in their trenches,
and the young French king sends overtures
for a treaty of peace by the Duke of Mantua;
which,
because it is a matter of State that concerns us here at home,
I shall speak no farther of it.

I shall add but one prediction more,
and that in mystical terms,
which shall be included in a verse out of Virgil - ALTER ERIT JAM TETHYS,
ET ALTERA QUAE VEHAT ARGO DELECTOS HEROAS.

Upon the 25th day of this month,
the fulfilling of this prediction will be manifest
to everybody.

This is the farthest I have proceeded in my calculations
for the present year.

I do not pretend that these are all the great events which will happen in this period,
but that those I have set down will infallibly come
to pass.

It will perhaps still be objected why I have not spoken more particularly of affairs at home,
or of the success of our armies abroad,
which I might,
and could very largely have done;
but those in power have wisely discouraged men from meddling in public concerns,
and I was resolved by no means
to give the least offence.

This I will venture
to say,
that it will be a glorious campaign
for the Allies,
wherein the English forces,
both by sea and land,
will have their full share of honour;
that Her Majesty Queen Anne will continue in health and prosperity;
and that no ill accident will arrive
to any in the chief Ministry.

As
to the particular events I have mentioned,
the readers may judge by the fulfilling of them,
whether I am on the level
with common astrologers,
who,
with an old paltry cant,
and a few pothooks
for planets,
to amuse the vulgar,
have,
in my opinion,
too long been suffered
to abuse the world.

But an honest physician ought not
to be despised because there are such things as mountebanks.

I hope I have some share of reputation,
which I would not willingly forfeit
for a frolic or humour;
and I believe no gentleman who reads this paper will look upon it
to be of the same cast or mould
with the common scribblers that are every day hawked about.

My fortune has placed me above the little regard of scribbling
for a few pence,
which I neither value nor want;
therefore,
let no wise man too hastily condemn this essay,
intended
for a good design,
to cultivate and improve an ancient art long in disgrace,
by having fallen into mean and unskilful hands.

A little time will determine whether I have deceived others or myself;
and I think it is no very unreasonable request that men would please
to suspend their judgments till then.

I was once of the opinion
with those who despise all predictions from the stars,
till in the year 1686 a man of quality showed me,
written in his album,
that the most learned astronomer,
Captain H-,
assured him,
he would never believe anything of the stars'
influence if there were not a great revolution in England in the year 1688.

Since that time I began
to have other thoughts,
and after eighteen years'
diligent study and application,
I think I have no reason
to repent of my pains.

I shall detain the reader no longer than
to let him know that the account I design
to give of next year's events shall take in the principal affairs that happen in Europe;
and if I be denied the liberty of offering it
to my own country,
I shall appeal
to the learned world,
by publishing it in Latin,
and giving order
to have it printed in Holland.

CHAPTER IV - THE ACCOMPLISHMENT OF THE FIRST OF MR. BICKERSTAFF'S PREDICTIONS;
BEING AN ACCOUNT OF THE DEATH OF MR. PARTRIDGE THE ALMANACK-MAKER,
UPON THE 29TH INSTANT.

IN A LETTER
to A PERSON OF HONOUR;
WRITTEN IN THE YEAR 1708.

MY LORD,
- In obedience
to your lordship's commands,
as well as
to satisfy my own curiosity,
I have
for some days past inquired constantly after Partridge the almanack-maker,
of whom it was foretold in Mr. Bickerstaff's predictions,
published about a month ago,
that he should die the 29th instant,
about eleven at night,
of a raging fever.

I had some sort of knowledge of him when I was employed in the Revenue,
because he used every year
to present me
with his almanack,
as he did other gentlemen,
upon the score of some little gratuity we gave him.

I saw him accidentally once or twice about ten days before he died,
and observed he began very much
to droop and languish,
though I hear his friends did not seem
to apprehend him in any danger.

About two or three days ago he grew ill,
was confined first
to his chamber,
and in a few hours after
to his bed,
where Dr. Case and Mrs. Kirleus were sent for,
to visit and
to prescribe
to him.

Upon this intelligence I sent thrice every day one servant or other
to inquire after his health;
and yesterday,
about four in the afternoon,
word was brought me that he was past hopes;
upon which,
I prevailed
with myself
to go and see him,
partly out of commiseration,
and I confess,
partly out of curiosity.

He knew me very well,
seemed surprised at my condescension,
and made me compliments upon it as well as he could in the condition he was.

The people about him said he had been
for some time delirious;
but when I saw him,
he had his understanding as well as ever I knew,
and spoke strong and hearty,
without any seeming uneasiness or constraint.

After I had told him how sorry I was
to see him in those melancholy circumstances,
and said some other civilities suitable
to the occasion,
I desired him
to tell me freely and ingenuously,
whether the predictions Mr. Bickerstaff had published relating
to his death had not too much affected and worked on his imagination.

He confessed he had often had it in his head,
but never
with much apprehension,
till about a fortnight before;
since which time it had the perpetual possession of his mind and thoughts,
and he did verily believe was the true natural cause of his present distemper:

"For,"
said he,
"I am thoroughly persuaded,
and I think I have very good reasons,
that Mr. Bickerstaff spoke altogether by guess,
and knew no more what will happen this year than I did myself."

I told him his discourse surprised me,
and I would be glad he were in a state of health
to be able
to tell me what reason he had
to be convinced of Mr. Bickerstaff's ignorance.

He replied,
"I am a poor,
ignorant follow,
bred
to a mean trade,
yet I have sense enough
to know that all pretences of foretelling by astrology are deceits,
for this manifest reason,
because the wise and the learned,
who can only know whether there be any truth in this science,
do all unanimously agree
to laugh at and despise it;
and none but the poor ignorant vulgar give it any credit,
and that only upon the word of such silly wretches as I and my fellows,
who can hardly write or read."

I then asked him why he had not calculated his own nativity,
to see whether it agreed
with Bickerstaff's prediction,
at which he shook his head and said,
"Oh,
sir,
this is no time
for jesting,
but
for repenting those fooleries,
as I do now from the very bottom of my heart."

"By what I can gather from you,"
said I,
"the observations and predictions you printed
with your almanacks were mere impositions on the people."

He replied,
"If it were otherwise I should have the less
to answer for.

We have a common form
for all those things;
as
to foretelling the weather,
we never meddle
with that,
but leave it
to the printer,
who takes it out of any old almanack as he thinks fit;
the rest was my own invention,
to make my almanack sell,
having a wife
to maintain,
and no other way
to get my bread;
for mending old shoes is a poor livelihood;
and,"
added he,
sighing,
"I wish I may not have done more mischief by my physic than my astrology;
though I had some good receipts from my grandmother,
and my own compositions were such as I thought could at least do no hurt."

I had some other discourse
with him,
which now I cannot call
to mind;
and I fear I have already tired your lordship.

I shall only add one circumstance,
that on his death-bed he declared himself a Nonconformist,
and had a fanatic preacher
to be his spiritual guide.

After half an hour's conversation I took my leave,
being half stifled by the closeness of the room.

I imagined he could not hold out long,
and therefore withdrew
to a little coffee-house hard by,
leaving a servant at the house
with orders
to come immediately and tell me,
as nearly as he could,
the minute when Partridge should expire,
which was not above two hours after,
when,
looking upon my watch,
I found it
to be above five minutes after seven;
by which it is clear that Mr. Bickerstaff was mistaken almost four hours in his calculation.

In the other circumstances he was exact enough.

But,
whether he has not been the cause of this poor man's death,
as well as the predictor,
may be very reasonably disputed.

However,
it must be confessed the matter is odd enough,
whether we should endeavour
to account
for it by chance,
or the effect of imagination.

For my own part,
though I believe no man has less faith in these matters,
yet I shall wait
with some impatience,
and not without some expectation,
the fulfilling of Mr. Bickerstaff's second prediction,
that the Cardinal do Noailles is
to die upon the 4th of April,
and if that should be verified as exactly as this of poor Partridge,
I must own I should be wholly surprised,
and at a loss,
and should infallibly expect the accomplishment of all the rest.

CHAPTER V - BAUCIS AND PHILEMON.

IMITATED FROM THE EIGHTH BOOK OF OVID.

IN ancient times,
as story tells,
The saints would often leave their cells,
And stroll about,
but hide their quality,
To try good people's hospitality.

It happened on a winter night,
As authors of the legend write,
Two brother hermits,
saints by trade,
Taking their tour in masquerade,
Disguised in tattered habits,
went
to a small village down in Kent;
Where,
in the strollers'
canting strain,
They begged from door
to door in vain;
Tried every tone might pity win,
But not a soul would let them in.

Our wandering saints in woeful state,
Treated at this ungodly rate,
Having through all the village passed,
To a small cottage came at last,
Where dwelt a good honest old yeoman,
Called,
in the neighbourhood,
Philemon,
Who kindly did these saints invite In his poor hut
to pass the night;
And then the hospitable Sire Bid goody Baucis mend the fire;
While he from out the chimney took A flitch of bacon off the hook,
And freely from the fattest side Cut out large slices
to be fried;
Then stepped aside
to fetch
'em drink,
Filled a large jug up
to the brink,
And saw it fairly twice go round;
Yet
(what is wonderful)
they found
'Twas still replenished
to the top,
As if they ne'er had touched a drop The good old couple were amazed,
And often on each other gazed;
For both were frightened
to the heart,
And just began
to cry,
- What art! Then softly turned aside
to view,
Whether the lights were burning blue.

The gentle pilgrims soon aware on't,
Told
'em their calling,
and their errant;
"Good folks,
you need not be afraid,
We are but saints,"
the hermits said;
"No hurt shall come
to you or yours;
But,
for that pack of churlish boors,
Not fit
to live on Christian ground,
They and their houses shall be drowned;
Whilst you shall see your cottage rise,
And grow a church before your eyes."

They scarce had spoke;
when fair and soft,
The roof began
to mount aloft;
Aloft rose every beam and rafter,
The heavy wall climbed slowly after.

The chimney widened,
and grew higher,
Became a steeple
with a spire.

The kettle
to the top was hoist,
And there stood fastened
to a joist;
But
with the upside down,
to show Its inclination
for below.

In vain;
for a superior force Applied at bottom,
stops its coarse,
Doomed ever in suspense
to dwell,
'Tis now no kettle,
but a bell.

A wooden jack,
which had almost Lost,
by disuse,
the art
to roast,
A sudden alteration feels,
Increased by new intestine wheels;
And what exalts the wonder more,
The number made the motion slower.

The flyer,
though
't had leaden feet,
Turned round so quick,
you scarce could see
't;
But slackened by some secret power,
Now hardly moves an inch an hour.

The jack and chimney near allied,
Had never left each other's side;
The chimney
to a steeple grown,
The jack would not be left alone;
But up against the steeple reared,
Became a clock,
and still adhered;
And still its love
to household cares By a shrill voice at noon declares,
Warning the cook-maid not
to burn That roast meat which it cannot turn.

The groaning chair began
to crawl,
Like a huge snail along the wall;
There stuck aloft in public view;
And
with small change a pulpit grew.

The porringers,
that in a row Hung high,
and made a glittering show,
To a less noble substance changed,
Were now but leathern buckets ranged.

The ballads pasted on the wall,
Of Joan of France,
and English Moll,
Fair Rosamond,
and Robin Hood,
The Little Children in the Wood,
Now seemed
to look abundance better,
Improved in picture,
size,
and letter;
And high in order placed,
describe The heraldry of every tribe.

A bedstead of the antique mode,
Compact of timber,
many a load,
Such as our ancestors did use,
Was metamorphosed into pews:

Which still their ancient nature keep,
By lodging folks disposed
to sleep.

The cottage,
by such feats as these,
Grown
to a church by just degrees,
The hermits then desired their host
to ask
for what he fancied most.

Philemon having paused a while,
Returned
'em thanks in homely style;
Then said,
"My house is grown so fine,
Methinks I still would call it mine:

I'm old,
and fain would live at ease,
Make me the Parson,
if you please."

He spoke,
and presently he feels His grazier's coat fall down his heels;
He sees,
yet hardly can believe,
About each arm a pudding sleeve;
His waistcoat
to a cassock grew,
And both assumed a sable hue;
But being old,
continued just As thread-bare,
and as full of dust.

His talk was now of tithes and dues;
He smoked his pipe and read the news;
Knew how
to preach old sermons next,
Vamped in the preface and the text;
At christenings well could act his part,
And had the service all by heart;
Wished women might have children fast,
And thought whose sow had farrowed last Against Dissenters would repine,
And stood up firm
for Right divine.

Found his head filled
with many a system,
But classic authors,
- he ne'er missed
'em.

Thus having furbished up a parson,
Dame Baucis next they played their farce on.

Instead of home-spun coifs were seen Good pinners edg'd
with colberteen;
Her petticoat transformed apace,
Became black satin flounced
with lace.

Plain Goody would no longer down,
'Twas Madam,
in her grogram gown.

Philemon was in great surprise,
And hardly could believe his eyes,
Amazed
to see her look so prim;
And she admired as much at him.

Thus,
happy in their change of life,
Were several years this man and wife;
When on a day,
which proved their last,
Discoursing o'er old stories past,
They went by chance amidst their talk,
To the church yard
to take a walk;
When Baucis hastily cried out,
"My dear,
I see your forehead sprout!"
"Sprout,"
quoth the man,
"what's this you tell us?

I hope you don't believe me jealous,
But yet,
methinks,
I feel it true;
And really,
yours is budding too - Nay,
- now I cannot stir my foot;
It feels as if
'twere taking root."

Description would but tire my Muse;
In short,
they both were turned
to Yews.

Old Goodman Dobson of the green Remembers he the trees has seen;
He'll talk of them from noon till night,
And goes
with folks
to show the sight;
On Sundays,
after evening prayer,
He gathers all the parish there,
Points out the place of either Yew:

Here Baucis,
there Philemon grew,
Till once a parson of our town,
To mend his barn,
cut Baucis down;
At which,
'tis hard
to be believed How much the other tree was grieved,
Grow scrubby,
died a-top,
was stunted:

So the next parson stubbed and burnt it.

CHAPTER VI - THE LOGICIANS REFUTED.

LOGICIANS have but ill defined As rational,
the human kind;
Reason,
they say,
belongs
to man,
But let them prove it,
if they can.

Wise Aristotle and Smiglesius,
By ratiocinations specious,
Have strove
to prove
with great precision,
With definition and division,
HOMO EST RATIONE PRAEDITUM;
But,
for my soul,
I cannot credit
'em.

And must,
in spite of them,
maintain That man and all his ways are vain;
And that this boasted lord of nature Is both a weak and erring creature.

That instinct is a surer guide Than reason-boasting mortals pride;
And,
that brute beasts are far before
'em,
DEUS EST ANIMA BRUTORUM.

Whoever knew an honest brute,
At law his neighbour prosecute,
Bring action
for assault and battery,
Or friend beguile
with lies and flattery?

O'er plains they ramble unconfined,
No politics disturb their mind;
They eat their meals,
and take their sport,
Nor know who's in or out at court.

They never
to the levee go
to treat as dearest friend a foe;
They never importune his grace,
Nor ever cringe
to men in place;
Nor undertake a dirty job,
Nor draw the quill
to write
for Bob.

Fraught
with invective they ne'er go
to folks at Paternoster Row:

No judges,
fiddlers,
dancing-masters,
No pickpockets,
or poetasters Are known
to honest quadrupeds:

No single brute his fellows leads.

Brutes never meet in bloody fray,
Nor cut each others'
throats
for pay.

Of beasts,
it is confessed,
the ape Comes nearest us in human shape;
Like man,
he imitates each fashion,
And malice is his ruling passion:

But,
both in malice and grimaces,
A courtier any ape surpasses.

Behold him humbly cringing wait Upon the minister of state;
View him,
soon after,
to inferiors Aping the conduct of superiors:

He promises,
with equal air,
And
to perform takes equal care.

He,
in his turn,
finds imitators,
At court the porters,
lacqueys,
waiters Their masters'
manners still contract,
And footmen,
lords,
and dukes can act.

Thus,
at the court,
both great and small Behave alike,
for all ape all.

CHAPTER VII - THE PUPPET SHOW.

THE life of man
to represent,
And turn it all
to ridicule,
Wit did a puppet-show invent,
Where the chief actor is a fool.

The gods of old were logs of wood,
And worship was
to puppets paid;
In antic dress the idol stood,
And priests and people bowed the head.

No wonder then,
if art began The simple votaries
to frame,
To shape in timber foolish man,
And consecrate the block
to fame.

From hence poetic fancy learned That trees might rise from human forms The body
to a trunk be turned,
And branches issue from the arMs. Thus Daedalus and Ovid too,
That man's a blockhead have confessed,
Powel and Stretch the hint pursue;
Life is the farce,
the world a jest.

The same great truth South Sea hath proved On that famed theatre,
the ally,
Where thousands by directors moved Are now sad monuments of folly.

What Momus was of old
to Jove The same harlequin is now;
The former was buffoon above,
The latter is a Punch below.

This fleeting scene is but a stage,
Where various images appear,
In different parts of youth and age Alike the prince and peasant share.

Some draw our eyes by being great,
False pomp conceals mere wood within,
And legislators rang'd in state Are oft but wisdom in machine.

A stock may chance
to wear a crown,
And timber as a lord take place,
A statue may put on a frown,
And cheat us
with a thinking face.

Others are blindly led away,
And made
to act
for ends unknown,
By the mere spring of wires they play,
And speak in language not their own.

Too oft,
alas! a scolding wife Usurps a jolly fellow's throne,
And many drink the cup of life Mix'd and embittered by a Joan.

In short,
whatever men pursue Of pleasure,
folly,
war,
or love,
This mimic-race brings all
to view,
Alike they dress,
they talk,
they move.

Go on,
great Stretch,
with artful hand,
Mortals
to please and
to deride,
And when death breaks thy vital band Thou shalt put on a puppet's pride.

Thou shalt in puny wood be shown,
Thy image shall preserve thy fame,
Ages
to come thy worth shall own,
Point at thy limbs,
and tell thy name.

Tell Tom he draws a farce in vain,
Before he looks in nature's glass;
Puns cannot form a witty scene,
Nor pedantry
for humour pass.

To make men act as senseless wood,
And chatter in a mystic strain,
Is a mere force on flesh and blood,
And shows some error in the brain.

He that would thus refine on thee,
And turn thy stage into a school,
The jest of Punch will ever be,
And stand confessed the greater fool.

CHAPTER VIII - CADENUS AND VANESSA.

WRITTEN ANNO 1713.

THE shepherds and the nymphs were seen Pleading before the Cyprian Queen.

The counsel
for the fair began Accusing the false creature,
man.

The brief
with weighty crimes was charged,
On which the pleader much enlarged:

That Cupid now has lost his art,
Or blunts the point of every dart;
His altar now no longer smokes;
His mother's aid no youth invokes - This tempts free-thinkers
to refine,
And bring in doubt their powers divine,
Now love is dwindled
to intrigue,
And marriage grown a money-league.

Which crimes aforesaid
(with her leave)
Were
(as he humbly did conceive)
Against our Sovereign Lady's peace,
Against the statutes in that case,
Against her dignity and crown:

Then prayed an answer and sat down.

The nymphs
with scorn beheld their foes:

When the defendant's counsel rose,
And,
what no lawyer ever lacked,
With impudence owned all the fact.

But,
what the gentlest heart would vex,
Laid all the fault on t'other sex.

That modern love is no such thing As what those ancient poets sing;
A fire celestial,
chaste,
refined,
Conceived and kindled in the mind,
Which having found an equal flame,
Unites,
and both become the same,
In different breasts together burn,
Together both
to ashes turn.

But women now feel no such fire,
And only know the gross desire;
Their passions move in lower spheres,
Where'er caprice or folly steers.

A dog,
a parrot,
or an ape,
Or some worse brute in human shape Engross the fancies of the fair,
The few soft moments they can spare From visits
to receive and pay,
From scandal,
politics,
and play,
From fans,
and flounces,
and brocades,
From equipage and park-parades,
From all the thousand female toys,
From every trifle that employs The out or inside of their heads Between their toilets and their beds.

In a dull stream,
which,
moving slow,
You hardly see the current flow,
If a small breeze obstructs the course,
It whirls about
for want of force,
And in its narrow circle gathers Nothing but chaff,
and straws,
and feathers:

The current of a female mind Stops thus,
and turns
with every wind;
Thus whirling round,
together draws Fools,
fops,
and rakes,
for chaff and straws.

Hence we conclude,
no women's hearts Are won by virtue,
wit,
and parts;
Nor are the men of sense
to blame
for breasts incapable of flame:

The fault must on the nymphs be placed,
Grown so corrupted in their taste.

The pleader having spoke his best,
Had witness ready
to attest,
Who fairly could on oath depose,
When questions on the fact arose,
That every article was true;
NOR FURTHER THOSE DEPONENTS KNEW:

Therefore he humbly would insist,
The bill might be
with costs dismissed.

The cause appeared of so much weight,
That Venus from the judgment-seat Desired them not
to talk so loud,
Else she must interpose a cloud:

For if the heavenly folk should know These pleadings in the Courts below,
That mortals here disdain
to love,
She ne'er could show her face above.

For gods,
their betters,
are too wise
to value that which men despise.

"And then,"
said she,
"my son and I Must stroll in air
'twixt earth and sky:

Or else,
shut out from heaven and earth,
Fly
to the sea,
my place of birth;
There live
with daggled mermaids pent,
And keep on fish perpetual Lent."

But since the case appeared so nice,
She thought it best
to take advice.

The Muses,
by their king's permission,
Though foes
to love,
attend the session,
And on the right hand took their places In order;
on the left,
the Graces:

To whom she might her doubts propose On all emergencies that rose.

The Muses oft were seen
to frown;
The Graces half ashamed look down;
And
'twas observed,
there were but few Of either sex,
among the crew,
Whom she or her assessors knew.

The goddess soon began
to see Things were not ripe
for a decree,
And said she must consult her books,
The lovers'
Fletas,
Bractons,
Cokes.

First
to a dapper clerk she beckoned,
To turn
to Ovid,
book the second;
She then referred them
to a place In Virgil
(VIDE Dido's case);
As
for Tibullus's reports,
They never passed
for law in Courts:

For Cowley's brief,
and pleas of Waller,
Still their authority is smaller.

There was on both sides much
to say;
She'd hear the cause another day;
And so she did,
and then a third,
She heard it - there she kept her word;
But
with rejoinders and replies,
Long bills